Archive: October 2012

A camper hearse

16 October 2012
Charles
8 Comments
Categories: Hearses

It was a touching little story and it was all over the papers a week ago: A mechanic appears to have predicted the circumstances surrounding his own death when he died from a heart attack after completing work on converting a VW campervan into a hearse. Mick McDonald, 50, had joked that the job would ‘be the death of him’ but then he became the first person to use it. [Mail]

The owner of the VW campervan, Carl Bell, is now offering his hearse for hire anywhere under the business name of Retro Farewell. His website is still under construction, but you can ring him: 07590908169

The eloquence of silence

16 October 2012
Charles
14 Comments
Categories: burial, ceremony, funeral customs

Posted by Georgina Pugh

On Friday the autumn sun was just too much – I had to leave my cave like dwelling and head out somewhere you can touch the sky. On the advice of a friend I found myself at the edge of the North York Moors, just past the aptly named ‘surprise view’ at the village of Gillamoor, searching for an old Quaker Burial Ground. In the 1600s non-conformist churches were persecuted and not permitted to bury their dead in consecrated ground so Quakers used private land.

Lowna was used as a cemetery for Quakers between 1675 and 1837 – I guess even after the ban was lifted, the Friends still preferred their lovely corner of peace as the final resting place for their earthly remains.

The burial ground has well and truly returned to nature but remains defined by dry stone walls just high enough to create a space that feels gently enclosed and yet part of the woodlands that surround it. A beck flows nearby. There is an old bench on which you can sit (so long as you are happy to ignore the ‘no entry- falling branches’ health and safety warning sign) and soak up the peace and quietly blessed atmosphere that in my experience always pervades Quaker spaces.

It was quite easy to imagine the Friends all those generations ago, quietly and reverently carrying the bodies of their dead to Lowna and laying them down into the earth – perhaps a prayer if anyone felt moved to speak one, otherwise the rich silence saying all that needed to be said.

I have often mused how afraid we are of silence these days –I used to teach a meditation class at a boarding school in Surrey that was originally established with an hour of silence enshrined in each day. The headmaster described how over the years the ‘Frensham Silence’ had shrunk, being slowly squeezed out by various (I’m sure noble) activities until it was completely absent in the modern school. This seemed an interesting example of how silence has perhaps lost its value in modern society – it’s just not considered productive enough.

I am curious to know of others’ views/experience of weaving silence into modern funerals. I sometimes suggest to a family they might like to have some brief silence as part of a funeral ceremony and sometimes they agree.

Sometimes those silences feel natural and rich and sometimes you can feel people are just not comfortable with it……. Personally I love words and music but I also love quiet and instinctively I feel it has its part to play in a ‘good’ funeral but the whys and hows – I have my thoughts but it would be lovely to hear yours.

Here is the ‘surprise view‘.

Meaning in metaphor

15 October 2012
Charles
7 Comments
Categories: funeral, Grief

We are driving to the crematorium for the committal. It’s late afternoon. A shower of rain is clearing as we breast a rise in the road and there in front of us is a rainbow. ‘Look!’

It’s a sign. It’s common at funerals for people to see a sign.  Call it superstitious, call it what you like. I remember an afternoon of flood-strength rain one autumn. The roof was leaking, the sky was baleful and nature felt out of kilter. Part way through the funeral a butterfly unaccountably flew up from the floor by the catafalque. There was more meaning in that than in all the fine words we uttered. 

What signs have you encountered at funerals? What thoughts do you have about this? 

Always go to the funeral

15 October 2012
Charles
5 Comments
Categories: Reasons to go to a funeral

I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.

“Always go to the funeral” means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don’t feel like it

In going to funerals, I’ve come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life’s inevitable, occasional calamity.

On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days cheap cialis uk suppliers when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I’ve ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

These words are taken from a short essay by Deirdre Sullivan. It’s well worth reading. 

If you’re a celebrant, you might consider commending your congregations for having made the effort to come (something I signally failed to do at the funeral I led on Friday.) 

RIP Lady Sybil ur in good hands

14 October 2012
Charles
3 Comments
Categories: Uncategorised

Dismalistas held rapt by the nativity of the first new-generation Crawley in the we’re-all-in-it-together tellydrama Downton Abbey, but who were then dumped into deepest grief by the death of Lady Sybil, will have felt their ears prick up at the announcement of the arrival of “Grassby’s men” to remove her body. 

Yes, Julian Fellowes, the writer, who lives at West Stafford, on the eastern fringes of Dorchester, generously name-checked his respected, local undertakers. 

Grassby’s have bought up a few local businesses over the years, including the Rose Funeral Service in Weymouth, run by the excellent Sam Wilding, as splendid a figure with crepe tied round a top hat as you will ever see, and to whom the editor of this blog has entrusted his remains when Reaper G gets off his butt. 

People should smile more

14 October 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: Children, music

Posted by Evelyn

I had some lovely good news today about the safe arrival of a very precious baby girl and this song came to my mind. Maybe I can’t change the world…..but today I smiled, people should smile more.

People should smile more
Im not saying there’s nothing to cry for but you’ve got
Everything laid out for you
Just close your eyes, take a deep breath and start another war

Keep buying, keep moving, this city, is sitting,
next to me, well laid out, it’s gonna come, one thing is certain

I can’t change the world
Cos tryin’ to make a difference makes it worse
It’s just an observation I can’t ignore
That people should smile more

People should smile more
But the lights are so bright that they blind you, just one more
Meaningless scientific breakthrough
The more we know, the less we care whilst damaged on the way

Keep moving, keep buying, this city, is sitting
Next to me, well laid out, it’s gonna come, one thing is certain

I can’t change the world
Cos tryin’ to make a difference makes it worse
It’s just an observation I can’t ignore
That people should smile more

Doo doo ba doo da doo dee dee do x4

I can’t change the world
Cos tryin’ to make a difference makes it worse
It’s just an observation I can’t ignore
That people should smile more

I can’t change the world
Cos tryin’ to make a difference makes it worse
It’s just an observation I can’t ignore
That people should smile more

Thoughts of a funeral-goer

12 October 2012
Charles
9 Comments
Categories: Thoughts of a funeralgoer

Posted by Lyra Mollington

Editor’s note: before reading Lyra’s latest thoughts, it may be helpful to read last week’s Thoughts of a funeral-goer.

When we saw a sign for the crematorium on the outskirts of Aldershot, my heart sank.  Not a café in sight – only garages and car showrooms.  Barry’s face lit up for a split second but he knew that there was no point in even asking.

Not that there was any time for coffee or new cars.  The traffic coming out of Richmond was dreadful that morning and we were only half an hour early.  The car park was almost empty but I knew it would be filling up fast.  Before everyone else began to arrive, I wanted to take a few photos and find somewhere for Barry to do his breathing exercises. 

First stop was the waiting room – bright, clean and tidy.  To my delight I spotted a poem by Sir John Betjeman sitting on an Ercol coffee table.  But this was not the time to be reading poetry.  I took a photograph instead.  

Ignoring Daisy’s protests, I walked through to the main entrance and found the ideal place for Barry to prepare himself: the vestry.  He entered reluctantly, only to come straight back out again.  Apparently, there’s a huge window overlooking the main drive.  Anyone could look in and he wasn’t going to risk it.

I peeked into the chapel.  It was empty.  Perfect.  This was Barry’s opportunity to stand at the lectern and do some visualisation exercises.  We’d barely taken three steps inside the door when someone asked, ‘May I help you?’ It was the organist, hidden in a corner at the back.

In reply, Daisy let out a small yelp.  Barry, however, didn’t miss a beat, ‘If you could read my speech for me, that would be very helpful indeed.’  The organist smiled politely. 

Back in the waiting room, Barry told us that he didn’t think there’d be any ‘sombre organ-playing’ for our service.  Richard was a Status Quo man.  According to Barry, ‘If there’s no Quo, it’ll be a travesty.’  Daisy rolled her eyes.

With five minutes to go, the waiting room was full to bursting.  A smart young man invited us to enter the chapel.  Unfortunately for Barry, it was a double slot and a quick word with Richard’s son confirmed that he would be speaking just before the committal.  Which might be fifty minutes away.

All of Richard’s wives were there.  The youngest of the wives looked lovely in a short electric blue dress with matching fascinator.  And sunglasses!   

The minutes ticked by and we were told about Richard’s childhood; his marriages; his passion for golf; his love of fine wines and his successful career in financial services.  As we were listening to the music for reflection, I suddenly realised that my mouth was dry and my heart was racing.  I was nervous. For Barry.  I glanced at Daisy who was staring at her feet.  She looked terrified. 

Barry, on the other hand, seemed completely relaxed.  When his name was announced, he strode confidently towards the lectern.  To be on the safe side, I started sending instructions to him – telepathically. 

(Smile…)  He began by explaining that he and Richard had known each other since they were five.  (Not too fast…)  He went on to say that it was no surprise to him that Richard would want to have the last word.   Everyone laughed enthusiastically.  (Well done, but don’t lose focus: remember, funeral audiences are easily pleased…) 

As the laughter subsided, Barry paused before reading Richard’s message.  (Good – lots of pauses in all the right places just as we practised…) 

‘If all has gone to plan, Barry is reading this and I’m dead.  Not that I planned on dying this young.  Truth be told, I’m completely hacked off that he’s reading this at my funeral and not the other way round.  But maybe that serves me right for being an insurance salesman.  Which reminds me: to all my colleagues, if you’ve managed to get the day off, some advice for you.  Take early retirement.

I really have had a great life.  Granted, I’ve had more wives than children which isn’t ideal.  But making mistakes is what life is all about.  As long as you learn from them.  Which was probably my biggest mistake of all.  But what the hell.  And, by the way, I don’t believe in hell.  Or any other kind of after life.  

But I do believe in THIS life.  And if you’re feeling sad – don’t.  I’ve packed a lot into my 64 years.  Even if it does seem like yesterday when I heard that Beatles song and thought, ‘When I’m 64?  That’s a lifetime away.’

And I believe in people.  At this moment, I can honestly say, I love you all.   

To my first wife, Maggie: our marriage didn’t last but you are a true friend.  Thank you.  You were more than I deserved.

To my second wife, Anita:  thank you for many happy years and for being an amazing mother to Matthew.   

To my third and final wife, Sally: thank you for choosing me.  And for never calling me old.  You have no idea how much I love you.  Mainly because I never told you.  Well, I’m telling you now.  Or at least Barry is.  I love you.  And for the last time, I AM always right.  So don’t get your hopes up for Spurs this season.

To my son Matt: I am incredibly proud of you.  Thank goodness you take after your mum.  Be happy.  I love you.

To my daughter-in-law Carolyn:  you’re far too good for Matt but don’t tell him I told you.  And thank you both for giving me two gorgeous grandchildren. 

To my mates:  thank you for never growing up and for making me laugh.  Especially you Eddie: I forgive you for all those practical jokes.  Remember that embarrassing secret you told me last year?  I never told anyone.

To my golfing mates: we had a lot of fun!  Well as much fun as you can have with a stupid stick and a little white ball.  Remember me at the 19th.  You all bloody owe me a drink!   

To my posh mates:  you know who you are – no, not you Len.  Thank you for putting up with my naff taste in wine.  I never did learn to tell the difference between Plonk de Maison and Châteauneuf-du-Pape.  It’s all bollocks as far as I’m concerned.

To everyone: thank you for coming here. As Spock used to say, “Live long and prosper.” 

As for me: it’s to infinity and beyond…’

Barry turned to face the curtains and led everyone in a round of applause for Richard.  Before returning to his seat, he touched the coffin to say his own goodbye to his friend.  Daisy and I were beaming with pride. 

A few minutes later we were leaving the chapel to Richard’s favourite song, ‘Paper Plane’.  By Status Quo.

Catch 22 for the disadvantaged

11 October 2012
Charles
15 Comments
Categories: Social Fund Funeral Payment

A sad story here, and a sorry end we are likely to see more of. It was a Conservative government that introduced the Social Fund Funeral Payment at a level that ensured that the underprivileged and disadvantaged were not humiliated and marginalised when they had insufficient to pay for a funeral. How times have changed. Public attitudes are becoming increasingly hostile to benefit claimants, so we’ll probably see a lot more of this (extracted from the Oxford Times):

Out of work Michael Walton, 40, lost his brother David, 59, on August 31. But he has not been able to afford to pay the £480 deposit to book a £2,250 funeral with Reeves and Pain funeral directors of Abingdon Road, Oxford.

He has been seeking help from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) Social Fund, but will not receive any money until a funeral date is arranged. The funeral directors will not arrange a funeral until a deposit is paid.

A brother and sister from Cowley, aged 51 and 49, with learning difficulties, have found themselves in a similar situation having lost their mother on August 10.

They have been unable to afford the £1,020 deposit needed to arrange the funeral and so far have been unable to obtain funds from the DWP.

Oxford East MP Andrew Smith, a former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “The problem is that the social fund won’t pay until the funeral arrangements are under way and the funeral directors won’t arrange funerals until they have received money. For people on low incomes it is a real Catch 22 situation.

In London’s East End, Quaker Social Action’s Down To Earth project is doing great work to enable people on low/no income to arrange affordable funerals — they go to incredible and creative lengths to achieve this.

If government won’t step in to mend this unhappy situation, and in an age of food banks it looks increasingly unlikely that it will, organisations like QSA, working at the community level, look to have their work cut out for the future. 

Hot and noisy

11 October 2012
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: funerals in other cultures, sex and death

From time to time we consider the purpose of a funeral as an event which enables mourners to express complex, disorderly emotion. Funerals in  countries untouched by, or resistant to, chilly Nordic Protestant norms of self-restraint are notable for an exuberance which chilly Nords tend to regard as unbefitting, chaotic and emotionally incontinent.

It’s not as if chilly Nords don’t experience emotion. Why do they bottle it up? Perhaps it’s that they don’t like what it does to them. 

Remember the polarisation of reactions to the grief for Diana? 

Consider, also, the tendency of Brits to ugly brutishness when they let their hair down, especially when they’ve a drop taken. Perhaps they are right to keep it bottled. 

In Taiwan and parts of China funerals channel strong erotic emotions. We’ve looked at this before. Here’s some interesting info from Business Insider: 

Dressed in mini skirts barely covering their hips, the two girls took to the neon-lit stage and moved vigorously to the loud pumping pop music. Their job: to appease the wandering spirits.

As the temple facade in the background changed colour from the fireworks lighting up the Taiwanese night sky, the show climaxed with pole-dancing and striptease in front of an audience consisting of men, women and children.

Folk religion in Taiwan is a unique mixture of the spiritual and the earthly, and one of its most remarkable manifestations is the practice of hiring showgirls to perform at festivals, weddings, and even funerals.

“The groups attract crowds to our events and they perform for the gods and the spirits to seek blessings,” said Chen Chung-hsien, an official at Wu Fu Temple, a Taoist landmark in north Taiwan’s Taoyuan county.

“They have become part of our religion and folk culture.”

[Some] see it as a natural extension of a traditional folk culture lacking in the sharp separation of sex and religion often seen in other parts of the world.

Marc Moskowitz, an anthropologist at the University of South Carolina, said the practice evolved out of the special Chinese concept of “hot and noisy”, which brims with positive connotations.

“In traditional Chinese and contemporary Taiwanese culture this signifies that for an event to be fun or noteworthy it must be full of noise and crowds,”

Full article here. Two videos here. 

The Good Funeral Guide
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