“Someone will wash the body. Someone will dress the body. Someone will close the eyes for the final time. Someone will. At the critical moment of death, someone will perform these tasks for the person whom we have loved and cared for all our lives. Why would we give those meaningful rituals away to a stranger? Why do we give away the best stuff?” Anne O’Connor
A home-based funeral is sometimes called a DIY funeral, a term many people are uncomfortable with. Let’s call it a home funeral.
When someone dies, most public officials advise you on the assumption that you will want to use a funeral director. Some will express amazement that you want to do it all yourself, some may try to dissuade you, some will disapprove and some will try to stand in your way. If anyone tries to tell you it’s against the law, put them right. It’s not. Tell them you are the funeral director. Check out the legal position here: Your legal rights and responsibilities.
The more prepared you can be in advance, the better. To begin from a standing start will be really difficult.
It needs serious thought. Not only can it be difficult in itself, it may also be difficult to explain to friends and neighbours. It’s an unconventional thing to do. Do you care?
What will your close family members and friends think? You will need their help. At least four of them, preferably six.
Before you can sensibly undertake any practical task in which you are unversed, you need five things.
an understanding of the difficulties
an understanding of the worst that can go wrong
the right equipment
a workshop manual
the phone number of an expert who can advise – or ride to your rescue in case of calamity
Other difficulties may be:
Almost all dead bodies are not dangerous. Gloves and simple protective clothing are all you need – and a mask, if you like.
Looking after a dead body is a lot easier than looking after a bedridden adult or a helpless child. You can do it all from the workshop manual.
In most cases, if you arrange to keep your dead person at home for no longer than a week, so long as you keep him or her cool all should be well.
According to Erika Nelson, a funeral director, quoted in the Crossings Manual for Home Funeral Care (see below) the following conditions make a body especially difficult to care for:
Bed sores – open wounds which leak fluid
Oedema and fluid-filled blisters
A number of factors govern the rate of decomposition even when the body is kept cool. Those which may hasten it include: the duration of the dying process; cause of death; the size of the body; the contents of the stomach; and the presence of medication (especially cancer drugs). A nurse may be able to offer an opinion. Sometimes, decomposition can progress very fast.
You’ll need to keep the room cool, so a portable air conditioning unit is a desirable extra.
You’ll need a coffin, which you can either make yourself or buy.
You will need strong and willing hands to help you.
There is presently no home funeral care manual dedicated to people in the UK. The best resource published here is the latest edition of the Natural Death Handbook.
From the USA and Canada, where the home funeral movement is thriving, you can obtain three excellent resources. All are detailed and downloadable from the internet. The first two contain accounts of home funerals which will also be informative and, perhaps, also inspiring. If what you have read so far has not deterred you, go to:
The Crossings Resource Guide – A Manual For Home Funeral Care. Please consider giving a donation here.
If you’d like to see what a home funeral looks like, here are some photos.
Many funeral directors will be happy to stand by and help you out if it all gets too much – for a fee, of course.
Many funeral directors will be very supportive, happy to act as consultants throughout the process and drop in whenever you want to check that all is well. Recommended!
If you want to bury the person who has died, the grave must be dug according to rules laid down by the burial ground. Because gravedigging is a skilled and potentially dangerous business, it is likely that you will be required to engage a professional gravedigger.
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