Thoughts of a funeral-goer

Posted by Lyra Mollington

Before Daisy met Barry, they had both been unlucky in love. Daisy’s unhappy marriage ended when her husband dropped dead of a heart attack. Barry’s wife left him and he discovered that their marriage had also been an unhappy one.

With the events of recent weeks we have found out quite a lot about each other. If a near-death experience can’t teach us about ourselves and others, what else can? Another interesting thing I discovered about Barry is that any talk of funerals and his placid nature evaporates.

When Barry was a boy, his father was killed. He ‘didn’t care in the slightest’ that he hadn’t been given the chance to go to the funeral. At his mother’s funeral twenty years ago he felt like ‘Bambi caught in the headlights’.

In short, funerals are Barry’s idea of hell. When his best friend Tom died, the funeral was ‘crap’ and not enhanced by the ‘loud and relentless sobbing’ from the front row. When I suggested that a few tears might be a good thing, I was greeted with a look of incredulity. Barry can’t cope with people crying in public – or in private for that matter.

He was especially aggrieved that a ‘doddery old fart in a cassock’ was in charge of the proceedings, especially as he knew that Tom had strong feelings about religion. Barry had visited Tom in hospital and a chaplain had ‘hovered menacingly’ at the end of the bed. After the chaplain left, Tom told Barry that he had nearly told him to bugger off.

He completed his diatribe with, ‘And sitting in regimented rows in an enclosed space listening to the naff poems and bloody awful songs people choose! Fly Me To The Moon? What the hell is that about?’ Further questioning revealed that Tom had never shared his funeral wishes with his children.

Nor has Barry. ‘Whatever I tell them they’ll still manage to make a right pig’s ear out if it.’ But he agreed that it would be a kindness to his sons if he could give them some idea of what he wanted. The problem is that Barry knows exactly what he doesn’t want (unnecessary expense/naff poems/bloody awful songs) but no idea what he DOES want.

Which is how we came to be standing at the gates of a large cemetery near where we live. It has both traditional and natural burial areas. Which seems to mean that only some graves have headstones. Others don’t and the grass isn’t cut as often. According to the website, its chapel was designed in 1906 and is available for ‘people of all faiths and beliefs.’

We had barely gone through the gates when a small group of people and a coffin caught my eye. Daisy was holding me back with a stern look. I persuaded her that we could move closer if we pretended to be visiting a grave.

We couldn’t hear very much. There didn’t seem to be a vicar but I noticed there was a grave-digger nearby trying to look inconspicuous. The undertaker instructed his four ‘gentlemen’ to lower the coffin.

A young woman nodded to the little girl next to her. She looked about seven years old. She began playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the recorder. A toddler standing next to her bobbed his head in time to the music. The descant recorder is not my favourite instrument but she was note perfect and there wasn’t a single squeak.

Each person threw a flower into the grave. After a minute or two, they walked towards their cars. The recorder-playing girl and her brother were now holding hands with the young woman. She looked beautiful in her black dress. But with her high heels she was struggling not to sink into the grass.

The cars drove off. A passenger jet flew over. Daisy tried to tell me something but I couldn’t hear a word. And Barry pretended not to wipe his eyes.

What a smashing funeral!

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

I’m revisiting a post by Charles in January about whether a funeral can ever accommodate the venting of chaotic feelings generated by death. If so, what behaviour can be ‘officially’ appropriated: formalised wailing, hurling plates against a wall, a punch bag in the vestibule, or even a bout of fisticuffs between mourners? (I hope Lyra Mollington can one day give us an eye-witness account, from a safe distance).

Regulars Rupert Callender and Jenny Uzzell contribute differing takes on this splendid debate. Ru recalls witnessing a woman shout down angrily at her sister in her grave, describing it as a transformative moment. He concludes it would be healthy to find a way to integrate violent emotions into our rituals.

Jenny, while agreeing unrepressed emotion is cathartic, questions whether it could ever be built into ritual in our decorous culture, saying outbursts need to be spontaneous, and ‘bottom up rather than top down’.

It’s nigh on impossible to create a ceremony that accommodates the uncontrollable, but we should show compassionate tolerance of venting individuals, whether they interrupt a service, or start a drunken scrap at the wake.

I don’t have personal experience of fighting but my best friend at school was a first-rate pugilist. His duels were organised affairs. Insults would be passed in the cloisters between lessons, and a time would then be agreed for he and his adversary to meet behind the pavilion, where a noisy crowd would gather for the ensuing thrill of black eyes and bloody noses. I held my friend’s jacket and cheered him on, praying he wouldn’t break a tooth.

I also recall leaving Westminster Cathedral after mass to be confronted by a large crowd of Muslims chanting that we must die. It was a legal, ‘free speech’ demo, kettled by our boys in blue, and triggered by Pope Benedict XVI’s 2006 Regensburg speech in which he freely quoted a 13th century Byzantine Christian emperor in conversation with a Persian guest: the erudite Christian emperor politely argued with his educated Muslim friend that spreading the faith through violence was unreasonable, and therefore displeasing to God. The academic Holy Father’s allusion to this historical record was deemed apostasy by 21st century fundamentalists.

A brawl in the Cathedral piazza that morning might have been a craic, but only if weapons were banned, partakers were consenting and we all shook hands afterwards. But the peace-protecting police refused to take such a risk, rightly distrusting human nature to know where to draw the line.

One acceptable invitation to anarchic behaviour at civil funerals is rock music: aggressive dancing in the aisle with The Clash’s White Riot on the sound system, perhaps? In my last blog, I compared Terry Jacks’ drippy Seasons in the Sun, with a greatly energised cover version by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Hearing it reminded me of sweaty air guitar sessions in my study at school (as well as the fights): The Ramones’ Teenage Lobotomy, anyone?

However, totally letting go through dance beyond the age of overactive hormones can be embarrassing. I’ll be sticking with Abide With Me and Ave Maria.

Busybody nonsense update

A quick update on the attempt by Christopher Harris to persuade Woodstock council to abandon its requirement that  ‘all interments [of ashes] … must be arranged by an approved professional firm’

We foregathered in the council chamber. Green baize-covered table, mace thereon, oil portraits of worthies from various lost ages, Union Jack, evening sunlight streaming in, mayor with a Funeralworld capo’s chain, framed photo of the Annigoni portrait of the queen, noble fireplace, cabinet full of pewter plates — in short, a scene from Dad’s Army. Proceedings began with no preliminary welcome from the mayor and no explanation of the democratic process as it operated in this chamber. Half the council members sat with their bloody backs to us. It was the sort of event that makes tyranny look terribly attractive. 

Chris spoke very well in the teeth of a stentorian countdown from the mayor – “One more minute.” If the councillors listened they did so in a way different from you and me. They then voted to go into confidential session to discuss it all… and that was that. No news of a decision has come through today. We are none the wiser. 

Do animals have souls?

Cat-loving cleric and huge character George Callender, one of the GFG’s favourite and most admired funeral celebrants/ministers, talks here on Channel 4’s 4thought about what happens to our pets when we die. Sorry, we can’t embed it.

“I have officiated at many pet funerals over the years, and I believe that animals, like us, when they die, return to the collective essence of all that has gone before.”

1 min 42 secs

This is for everyone

Posted by Belinda Forbes, celebrant.

For some of the participants, when an event as life-changing as the Olympics finishes, it is like a bereavement. So it was appropriate that at the Closing Ceremony on Sunday evening Eric Idle performed Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life. This is a song which I have been asked to play on several occasions – usually at the end of a funeral ceremony.

Amongst the skating nuns, the Indian dance troupe, the Welsh women in traditional costume, the Morris Dancers and the angels, my eyes were drawn to the Scottish pipers. This was the Reading Scottish Pipe Band led by Pipe Major Ron Paterson. I have had the privilege to work with Ron and we have done several funerals together. At a funeral in April of a fellow piper, Ron played with pipers from the Reading Pipe Band and the Pride of Murray Pipe Band – seeing them lead the hearse through the crematorium gates was an incredibly moving sight.

Last night he was interviewed on our local BBC new programme South Today about his experiences at the Closing Ceremony. He and the other band members had thoroughly enjoyed mixing with the celebrities. One of the Spice Girls made Ron’s day when she told him that she loved his uniform. However, the best moment for him was the noise made by the audience as the band entered the stadium.

You deserve it Ron!

Busybody nonsense

Christopher Harris

Some time this evening Christopher Harris will deliver the following speech to Woodstock Town Council, calling upon it to strike out its requirement that the interment of his father’s ashes be superintended by a funeral director.

Here’s another example of someone tenaciously pursuing the rights of the bereaved with an important test case. The ‘bereavement charity with expertise on relevant law’ to which Christopher refers is the AB Welfare and Wildlife Trust, which is administered by the indefatigable John Bradfield, who has done so much to establish the rights of the bereaved. Almost certainly no one alive knows the law around these matters better than John, whose book, ‘Green Burial — The DIY Guide to Law and Practice’, contributed so much to the empowerment of the natural burial movement. 

Chris will attend the meeting dressed as an undertaker in order to make the point that undertakers are self-appointed. 

WITHOUT PREJUDICE

Address to Woodstock Town Council
Tuesday 14 August, Woodstock Town Hall – Mayor’s Parlour

Dear Councillors

My father, Richard Harris, died on Wednesday 23 May this year. He resided in Woodstock for almost 40 years. In early  July I approached the Town Council with a view of interring his cremated remains in the local Lawns Cemetery, however I was informed that the Council could not deal directly with me, citing the current Cemetery Rules and Regulations .

Those Rules and Regulations state that ‘all interments and memorials must be arranged by an approved professional firm. It is apparently implicit by this statement, according to this Council that,

“A fundamental part of an interment is the actual placing of the remains in the grave or cremation plot and there is therefore an implicit requirement of Woodstock Town Council that the professional firm that is organising the funeral oversee this in order to confirm that the arrangements have been fully complied with.”

This Council is almost unique in its Rules & Regulations on this matter. The only other council which makes the same stipulation is Deddington Parish….

Parishioners have a common law right to use public cemeteries in their own areas. Those experts with whom I have consulted are of the opinion that this legal right cannot be obstructed  by demanding that undertakers be used.

There is no legal requirement to use undertakers for any purpose. The Department of Work & Pensions, clearly states that undertakers do not have to be used in order to qualify for a Funeral Payment. The ‘direct.gov’ website states that undertakers do not have to be used, so why does this town council?

The funeral industry is estimated to be worth £1billion per annum in this country. The industry is unregulated and unlicensed. There are no professional exams, nor accreditation. It begs the question, what is a ‘professional approved firm’ that this Council requires. And who decided the criteria in this Council as to which undertakers are approved? Is it the same people who, in March of this year, are minuted that the newly updated Rules and Regulations and associated documents pertaining to the Cemetery were ‘very comprehensive’? I must agree…they are…very comprehensively flawed. One of those documents is entitled ‘By-laws’, but I am reliably informed, that this Council does not have any by-laws unless they have been approved by a Secretary of State.

This Council is a member of the Institute for Cemetery & Crematorium Management. For many years, that organisation has had its ‘Charter for the Bereaved’, which sets out the highest standards for running public cemeteries. It clearly states that everyone has the right not to use undertakers.

Public cemeteries, have long been run by parish councils with few or no staff. They have never passed management responsibility to undertakers. According to those with whom I have consulted, this Council, (and Deddington’s), are believed to the first to step out of line. Therefore, this issue is of national importance.

So, what is the law? At face value, Article 3 in the Local Authorities Cemeteries Order, might appear to allow this Council to have any rules, which councillors deem desirable. However, rules are only lawful if they result in the “proper management” of the cemetery and do not breach other relevant legal principles, such as those found in the Localism Act 2011, Administration law and human rights.

The primary purpose of administration law, is to prevent all public services, including this Council, from abusing their powers. Such abuses and decisions which go beyond available powers, are unlawful or “ultra vires”.

Decisions must be impartial, fair and reasonable. Arbitrarily imposing the same rule on everyone, along with a refusal to consider individual needs, has in some circumstances, been judged by the courts as unlawful.

Local authority councillors, must avoid anything which might result is suspicion of misconduct, even when suspicions are unfounded. That may be written into the Code of Conduct which this Council has adopted under a new law. The Localism Act (2011), imposes a legal duty to promote and maintain high standards. Though this is not an accusation, some may suspect that there may be collusion between those making and those benefiting from the Rules. The very possibility of such a suspicion, is in itself, a reason to abandon the requirement to use undertakers.

Some in this Council have tried everything within their powers, perceived and actual, to prevent me from speaking this evening, and the conduct of some has, I suggest, not been befitting of someone in their position.

Selflessness

• Integrity

• Objectivity

• Accountability

• Openness

• Honesty

• Leadership

………are all principles under the Code of Conduct covered by the Localism Act (2011).

Should this Council elect to hold its discussion on Cemetery Rules & Regulations later this meeting,  ‘in Confidential’, it will leave itself open to continuing suggestion of impropriety bringing one or more of the 7 principles into question.

If this Council is minded to review, both its literature and practices, I can provide the name of a bereavement charity with expertise on relevant law, which would be willing to provide free assistance.

 In conclusion, I ask this Council to prove 7 points as documented , based on its current literature:-

(1) that it has the legitimate power to force newly bereaved individuals and families to use undertakers;

(2) that forcing everyone to use undertakers is not unlawful, according to public cemetery law, the Localism Act (2011), Administration law and principles on human rights;

(3)  that it is providing a sensitive “bereavement service” which reflects the same principles as those underpinning our health and welfare services. That means providing choices and opportunities, by being creative, flexible and empowering. It also means using sensitive language;

(4) that parishioners buy plots and are the owners of those plots;

(5) that it is correct to state that parishioners only own memorials and monuments for 25 years;

(6) that it can charge anyone who asks to look at the legally protected burial register; and lastly

 (7) that its “by-laws” really are by-laws, by making available the decision letter of the relevant Secretary of State.

It would be remiss to end my oration without mentioning my dad, a former resident and elector. It is my family’s hope that he’ll be on a corner some time again soon.

If not, for £70 more than what it will cost to have him interred in Woodstock, I can have his ashes blasted into Space on 10 October 2012, boldly going where no Harris has gone before… The price includes a tour of the launch pad, attending a memorial service and a DVD of the ‘event’.

RIP, Dad. Much missed and much-loved. xxx

The GFG is sending a reporter to this event and will report back tomorrow. 

Switched off but still sparking

Today’s theme is ashes, by the way.

In her brilliant book Making an Exit, which not nearly enough of you have read, the author, Sarah Murray, plans her own dispersal. First, she wants to be resomated and reduced to the pure white ‘ash’ characteristic of the process. What next? Scattering, of course, for cremation is, and here she quotes from Robert Hertz’s Death and the Right Hand, “usually neither a final act, nor sufficient in itself; it calls for a later and complementary rite.”

Her plan depends on the three great attributes of cremains: they are portable, durable and divisible. Her plan also takes into account her love of travel.

She’s chosen six destinations, and she’s going to set aside funds for travel grants for which interested people may compete. While doing their thing in each of the seven destinations, they will scatter a portion of her ash.

The following is abridged:

Number one: the Empire State Building … The wire mesh fence on the Observation Deck is not too densely woven, so it should be easy enough to reach through and scatter a few grains of ashes.

Number two: Vishwanath Gali, Varanasi, India. The place I really want to be is behind the waterfront, where a labyrinth of tiny lanes is stuffed with even tinier shops, cafes, temples. This is Vishwanath Gali, an ancient bazaar … Being in the midst of all these goodies – as well as crowds of women in saris, the occasional cow and barefoot sadhus in flamboyant robes of orange, gold and silver — is my idea of heaven, so please leave a portion of me here.

Number three: Echo Valley, Sagada, Philippines. Whoever’s drawn to natural beauty, tranquillity, fresh mountain air and the scent of pines should be the one to take a portion of my ashes up here. I’d like them thrown across Echo Valley to join the Igorot ancestors in their craggy limestone resting places. 

Number four: Mercado Abastos [a busy market], Oaxaca, Mexico. Look out for the sections for shoes, flowers, woven baskets and crazy miniature items … I’d like part of me left amid the throb and rhythm of the market, in with the mango skins, bits of string and cigarette butts.

Number five: Karimabad, Hunza Valley, northern Pakistan — a valley where the great ranges of the Karakoram, Pamir, Hindu Kush and Himaayas fight it out in a grand confusion of jagged peaks and gaping ravines … I hope to get back there someday while I’m still living, but I’d also like a tiny piece of me left there after I’m dead. 

Number six: Fa’s Hill [a family name, after Sarah’s father], North Poorton, West Dorset. Highlights include the spectacular coastline and pebble beaches [and] the magnificent Iron Age hill fort at Eggardon.

Sarah concludes:

In this, I join the ranks of philanthropists, medical researchers, teachers, sports coaches, parents and others who hope that they can provide a springboard for the creativity and productivity of those following them. It’s the idea that, even though the power supply has been switched off, we may still be able to generate a few sparks of electricity. That’s what I call living on. 

You can buy a copy of Sarah’s book here. Highly recommended.

As you get older your friends start to die.

Posted by Sue Gill

We’ve been to some truly awful funerals and I’m sure we’re not alone in that. Sometimes the ceremonies were healing, but more often they were formulaic and irrelevant, and we left feeling sometimes angry, sometimes guilty, frequently in despair.

That’s what compelled us to write the Dead Good Funerals Book, to offer a no-nonsense yet respectful view of what an inspiring funeral ceremony might be. A guide for someone faced with arranging a funeral for the first time. To start with we unpick a traditional funeral and show how it is stuck in the Victorian mode. We spell out how much we can do away with and still be legal and dignified, to leave space to create a funeral that is personal and distinctive.

I get asked, therefore, what plans do I have for my own funeral.

I don’t feel I am at the prescriptive stage yet, but now we live in the Beach House – a wooden house on stilts directly above the shoreline of Morecambe Bay – I have become increasingly aware of the weather and tides, the extensive horizon, and this has had a major effect on me. At the moment I feel I would like my ashes to be dispersed into the vast expanse of this bay, probably using an urn that dissolves in seawater, which could be placed way out on the bed of the sea at low tide.

I imagine people walking out at low tide and holding a service or ceremony of farewell out there. My grandkids would doubtless build something or make a garden from what they had picked up on the way out – shells, feathers, sticks and stones – to decorate the space for the urn to be placed in. Live music too from the Fox Family Band – that would be a last request Once they had walked back to shore and the tide had turned, within an hour the urn would have dissolved and off I would go.

A text that really resonates for me is from John F. Kennedy’s book The Sea which he wrote in 1962:  ‘ I really don’t know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea. I think it’s because we all came from the sea. It is an extremely interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean. And therefore we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean, and when we go back to the sea we are going back from whence we came.’

Sue Gill was born in Yorkshire and educated in Hull and Cambridge. After working as Head Teacher of the smallest village school in remote North Yorkshire and lecturing in Bradford Art College Sue evolved to be: an author, performer, secular celebrant, cook, saxophonist, truck driver, co founder of Welfare State International (1968-2006) and grandmother. After WSI was archived she was, for one year, Director of Ceremonies for Lanternhouse International. From 1998-2006 course leader for WSI’s groundbreaking MA in Cultural Performance created in partnership with Bristol University. Honorary Fellow of the University of Cumbria. Invited to be Celebrant for the Ceremony of Remembrance for Great Ormond Street Hospital (2001).  Co-author of the Dead Good Guides  – books on Funerals and Baby Namings. Presently leads Rites of Passage Summer Schools across the UK with Gilly Adams, and works as a secular celebrant for weddings and naming ceremonies and funeral officiant, particularly for woodland burials.

Find Sue’s website here.

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