Perfection Wasted

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market—
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response to your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories packed
in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That’s it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren’t the same.

John Updike

 

RIP Hitch. UR a legend. 

Hail and farewell to the Mystery Mourner

Inspired by the format of Come Dine With Me, Guardian commenter BaddHamster is “currently developing a variation on the theme called, Come Pine With Me, where four recently bereaved people take turns visiting each others’ funerals and rating each other on the booze, grub, style of coffin, service, general mourning etc…” 

It’s a nice idea, and as I contemplated it my mind moved sideways and recalled the mischievous website Ship of Fools, for people who “prefer their religion disorganized. Our aim is to help Christians be self-critical and honest about the failings of Christianity, as we believe honesty can only strengthen faith.” 

One of Ship of Fools’ gently disruptive activities is to dispatch a Mystery Worshipper to churches all over the world to appraise their worship packages. The reviews are arch, sometimes waspish, but essentially affectionate. Anyone can sign up to be a Mystery Worshipper. 

Which brings us to what would be a very interesting and revealing experiment. Wouldn’t it be fun if the GFG could open up another front and somehow do the same for funerals? Our Mystery Mourners could report back candidly and drily on ambience of venue; mood of mourners; comportment of undertaker; type of coffin; description of ‘floral tributes’ (what we used to call flowers); type of officiant; style of ceremony; quality of delivery; general upliftingness; poems and readings; music; content of eulogy… 

It falls at the first fence, of course: too tasteless and intrusive for words.

But it doesn’t invalidate the role of subversive, humorous examination of the way we do funerals. Where there is complacency, let there be laughter. 

Find Ship of Fools here

The Good Funeral Guide
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