Oh bits from obits

Posted by Jeanne Rathbone 

Noel Coward said funerals were the cocktail party of his set. James Joyce called them funforals and GB Shaw said  ‘ Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh’. 

I am a Humanist celebrant and have conducted hundreds of non-religious funerals. As our ceremonies are very personal I have heard some wonderful lifestories and anecdotes and had the privilege of conducting the funeral for my compatriot –  the wonderful Dave Allen. 

I have selected a few snippets to share with you and hope that this will encourage you to do likewise. Here are a few of my ‘oh bits from obits’

My dad was working for the Maharajah in Gwalia. When war broke out, Mum and I joined the army! She went to Delhi first. 

 Mum wore a perfume called ‘Smart Party’

 On his first visit to his local  pub he was aware that people were awkward and to break the ice he took his leg off, put it on the bar and said, ‘fill it up’…   after that there was no problem.

 Grace, Rose and Peggy (sisters)  worked at the admiralty during the war, and ironically Grace and Peggy knew that Harry’s ship HMS Cornwall had been destroyed but could say nothing until Rose had been informed.

 Frank worked in the newspaper industry until after the drama of the Wapping Protests. We have never been allowed to have any of the Murdoch’s publications in the home.

 He loved his motorcycles, leather jackets and milky coffee.

 Civil service hours were an unbelievable 10 to 3 in those days with half days on Wednesdays when she and her girlfriends would often go to the cinema.

 He found some popularity and recognition through his skills in building homemade fireworks.

 He was hospitalised inNaplesand then moved to various convalescent homes (now mostly 5 * hotels) along the Amalfi coast.

 Hilda moved to the Stamp Office, following in the footsteps of her great, great uncle, Sir Rowland Hill, who set up the first Penny Post Service.

 I even recall him ironing his football laces.

 Mark kept a snake whose home was in a tank upstairs on the landing.

 I remembered going to visit her in hospital believing aunt Grace was trying to buy a baby.

 He completed the London to Brighton walk in 1969 in 11hrs 53 mins.

 Jim never married, though he had several what he called “lucky escapes!”.

 On his first driving lesson when told to feel the pedals he knelt down and touched them!

 

Now show us yours!

 

 I hope that celebrants who read this blog will rise to the challenge. Jeanne has a very good blog. Find it here. Her latest post on Baroness Warnock’s defence of faith and the C of E is well worth a read.

 

Britain’s Youngest Undertaker

Posted by Charles

Did you see Britain’s Youngest Undertaker on BBC3? It’s on the iPlayer and it’s worth a look

It’s a documentary which follows Mike Ryan’s funeral business in Newport through the awkward experiment of testing the vocation and aptitude of his younger daughter, Rachael. For Mike, this is all about legacy. He’s sixty and his health is poor, exacerbated by his irascible, control-freak temperament. He’s into succession planning. There are shades of King Lear in the scenario, and Rachael has much in common with Cordelia. Not that the film is a tragedy by any means. But there’s an underlying melancholy emanating from Mike, a difficult man whom I very much took to. Not an easy man, but a man of integrity.  

Rachael begins her apprenticeship as soon as she leaves school, a stroppy, pretty, spoilt (by Mike’s own admission) teenager. She has much of her father about her. She is put through her paces. She does grotty stuff, stocktaking coffins; she does difficult stuff, observing an embalming; and finally she gets to conduct a funeral, and she does just fine. She grows from arsey minx to thoughtful young woman. All will be well and Mike can heart-attack happy in the knowledge that all he’s built will go on. A lot of people will feel Rachael is too young. I don’t know that I am persuaded of that.

I don’t suppose there are many in the funeral trade, as Mike unsparingly terms it, who would have sat through this film oozing approbation. If Mike has made any money he’s certainly not reinvested much in his premises. There’s not a lot of peace, perfect peace about the place. There’s a moment when Mike cries out SHIT! from the ‘chapel of rest’, where he’s struggling with shirtsleeves and going off on one in front of a dead person.

Mike inhabits the type of a particular sort of undertaker. There are lots like him. Old school, for sure. For Mike it’s all about logistics and getting to the crem on time. He’s a fine-detail man. He comes over as impatient and obsessive. He treats everyone the same. But you can see that he’s got a heart of gold. I liked the way he greeted the family who come to ‘view’ in his jeans. No bullshit, not many words, but humanity for sure.

And this, I guess, is the plain way they do things in Newport. For everything that Mike might be perceived not to be, he is the product and servant of the culture of Newport. And that, I would say to critics, is actually the point.

Watch Britain’s Youngest Undertaker here.

Find the Ryans’ website here. Do read the comments.  

A picture tells a thousand lies

The Daily Mail captioned a photo of the Mark Duggan funeral A salute to a ‘soldier’: Mourners lined the streets and raised their palms to say farewell to the father-of-four. Implicit was the allegation that this was a gangster salute, something guaranteed to send surges of fear and loathing through the indignation-hungry hearts of its chav-porn-addicted readers.

The reality turns out to have been somewhat (what the hell) boringly and very much more beautifully the reverse. The mourners were responding to the call by Bishop Kwaku Frimpong-Manson to “stretch our hands towards the casket and thank God for Mark’s life as he begins his heavenly journey.”

First Darkness

Posted by Denise Wyllie and Clare O Hagan

The two Artists and filmmakers Wyllie O Hagan (Denise Wyllie and Clare O Hagan) presented their multi-award winning film First Darkness at the Inaugural London Funeral Exhibition 2011 held at Woodland Burial Parks in Epping Forest on the outskirts of London this Summer.

The film forms part of an art exhibition consisting of a moving, beautiful short film, an art book plus a series of landscape pictures. The artists exhibit First Darkness outside of the usual gallery settings in more intimate settings seen by wider audiences. The short 8 minute film is available to be screened at venues such at home or included in a memorial service/ celebration of life event. An accompanying art exhibition is also available for loan or sale.

Artworks make a unique and lasting commemorative gift and the artists have original prints and paintings for sale. People wishing to purchase an artwork to share with their family for a very personal inheritance, contact Clare and Denise via their website.

Denise Wyllie and Clare O Hagan have been able to convey their personal experiences of loss and the love of Nature in this sensitive and powerful group of artworks. The film gives people a way of understanding and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

Clare O Hagan says “our original documentary film ‘First Darkness’ recreates the journey of an artist reconnecting with life after the death of her friend.” Denise Wyllie adds, “We see the sombre mood of the artist depicted in her initial art prints and how this darkness gives way to a ‘new Spring of hope’ as the delicate reviving colours of Nature wash over her paintings.”

Here is an excerpt of the First Darkness film:

First Darkness has been screened at important international film festivals such as Monaco, at the Angel Film Awards, winning Best Art Film and Best Original Music. It was also ‘In Competition’ at the Brazilian ‘Its All True’ documentary film festival in Rio de Janeiro  and Sao Paulo and achieved ‘Special Mention’ at the Asolo Art Film Festival, Italy.

Closer to home there was less red carpet but as much interest and enthusiasm for the screenings at the Inaugural London Funeral Exhibition 2011. The audience at this event were experts in many aspects of funeral management as opposed to film or art critics. The post screening discussions that followed were just as lively and successful, with the audiences covering many new aspects of the issues raised by the film.

After the screenings of the film Clare O Hagan and Denise Wyllie rode with the Paul Foyle’s Ostler Carriage Company who took them for a ride on his rig through the forest. They saw from this high vantage point many of the participating organisations. They rode past Reverend Paul Sinclair on his motorcycle hearse whilst a brass band played to visitors.  Diverse and intriguing exhibition stands lined the route through the forest including Winter Willow, Ecoffins,  information on civil funerals and photographic services by Priscilla Etienne of Funeography.   Clare and Denise waved at fellow participants, Charles Cowling from the Good Funeral Guide and Brian Jenner from the Six Feet Under Convention.

Clare tells the story, ‘In the forest’s late afternoon sunshine, our day’s business being concluded, the coachman, from the Ostler Carriage Company, Paul Foyle, took us for a ride on his rig through the forest. Sitting up high at the front beside Paul Foyle looking over the backs of the two strong white horses you could see a landscape full of light and shade within the forest.

Clare continues, ‘The sun filtered through the trees and fell onto the horses backs, their livery shimmering and tinkling in time to the beat of their hooves. I looked to my side and saw the handsome coachman, resplendent in his cape coat and bowler hat working his horses. We dipped our heads in unison as we pass under low hanging branches. I see Denise smiling broadly. In a forest filled with light, full of joy, my spirit soars and runs with the horses. Then it happened, that fleeting, elusive “being in the moment” moment. Who’d have thought that a screening of our film First Darkness at Epping Woodland Burial Park would have been so exhilarating, so life affirming?

So when I, giddy with excitement, heard the coachman say, “steady on gal”, I asked if he was talking to me or the horses? It wasn’t the horses he was talking to!’

Wyllie O Hagan wish to extend their thanks to the events organisers – Woodland Burial Parks Groups at Epping Forest – for staging the Inaugural London Funeral Exhibition and to congratulate them on a such successful event.

Wyllie O Hagan: http://www.wyllieohagan.com/

Information about the London Funeral Exhibition 2011 http://www.woodlandburialparks.co.uk/London-Funeral-Exhibition-2011.ice

What a rubbish funeral!

Artist Serena Korda collected dust from houses, businesses and institutions, compressing her finds of hair, dead skin and assorted waste products into 500 commemorative bricks. These bricks were displayed as part of the Wellcome Collection’s Dirt: The Filthy Reality of Everyday Life exhibition. Now that the show has reached its end it’s time to dispose of her curious construction. On Sunday, a horse-drawn carriage will transport the cargo to Brunswick Square Gardens for burial with a marching band, performing an original score by Daniel O’ Sullivan, and dancers in tow. It’s a peculiar procession and something you’re unlikely to ever witness again, but it is inspired by historical precedents. In Victorian times a giant ‘dust heap’ was stationed at Gray’s Inn Road and its accumulation of ash, cinders and rubbish was mixed with mud to produce the bricks that built London.

Source: Daily Telegraph

Keeping them honest

Posted by Charles

What do we think of e-petitions? Democracy at its finest? A place where the mad, the bad and the rabid can loose off a bit of spleen? Something in between? HM Gov describes e-petitions as “an easy way for you to influence government policy in the UK”. We never supposed our governing class cared so much about what we think.

Topping the charts just now is Convicted London rioters should loose all benefits. You can see the rest here.

Languishing at the bottom we have this: Hook up the national grid to the crematoriums

Also down there is this: Regulation of Funeral Industry 

I’ve been monitoring this Regulation petition for a few days. When I first looked it had 5 signatories. When I just looked it had 7. It seems not to have legs.

In a more or less scandal free industry this is to be expected. But when an undertaker screws up, it’s natural that the person who’s been screwed is going to conclude that regulation is the answer. There’s an example of this here

I don’t think regulation is the answer for three reasons.

First, when someone dies it is their executor who is the lawful possessor of the body, responsible for disposing of it. So the executor is the funeral director. The executor has to register the death. The executor has to apply for burial or cremation. The executor has to demonstrate that he or she saw it through. The role of the undertaker is secondary, subordinate and collaborative. It is to do those things (and only those things) that the executor is allowed to delegate and which he or she doesn’t want to do. Conclusion: if an executor doesn’t need a qualification, why on earth would an undertaker?

Second, professionalising and regulating undertakers can only reinforce the perception that they are the default disposers of our dead and, worse, move them a step closer to being the only people allowed to do so. We the people are the default disposers of our dead. An undertaker is our agent. That is our ancient right, and that right defines our responsibility both to ourselves and to our dead. Our dead belong to us. Let us not give them up. 

Third, it is hard to see how nasty undertakers could be transformed into nice ones by government regulation. It doesn’t work like that in any other industry. It doesn’t work like that in America where costs are high and scandals plenty.

Where there is room for improvement—and there certainly is—it will be brought about by clients who exert informed expectations on undertakers. We all have a responsibility to guard our best interests, even at a time like death.

In short, consumer scrutiny is the way to keep ‘em honest. Don’t sign the petition. 

What do atheists profess?

Posted by Richard Rawlinson, religious correspondent

Vale makes interesting points in the thread beneath my Beyond the Abyss post, which discusses the gap between secularist individuality and religious communal ritual:

We (I) believe that community and the communal celebration of key events is important – yet secularism, at least as it finds expression in the west today – tends to be individualistic. Not surprising, perhaps when the only common bond is a lack of belief.
My own feeling, though, is that we are in a transitional phase and will over time evolve new and meaningful rituals to reflect the reality of people’s sense of personal meaning and purpose.

At first these will ape the religious ceremonies we are familiar with – because they are the ones we know. But they will diverge and in time consolidate new norms, patterns and meanings.

Actually, look at any civil ceremonies, the start has already been made’.

I’m trying to be open but find it hard to imagine meaningful death rituals devoid of any spiritual belief in an afterlife. I agree that non-religious funerals help bring comfort and closure, but wouldn’t a truly atheist ritual do this while professing the faith that God and souls don’t exist? Would it not be crucial to celebrate the fact that the deceased, however fondly remembered, is now nothing, incapable of pleasure or pain?

Some political and intellectual atheists can cope with such a nihilistic philosophy, but we seem some way from popular demand for rituals reflecting such secular realities.

Some stats…

Each year, around 500,000 people in the UK die, according the annual mortality statistics published by the Office for National Statistics. Over 30,000 funerals a year are currently non-religious, according to the National Association of Funeral Directors. This is around 6 per cent of deaths, or over one in 20 households affected by death.

This figure is increasing as families turn to celebration-of-life ceremonies rather than services conducted by a priest, either in church or crematorium. There’s certainly a growing willingness to admit non-belief, encouraged by secular educationalists, politicians and media pundits.

Of the four in 10 Brits who claim membership of the Church of England, it’s clear many are secularists, who increasingly see hypocrisy in using their church simply for baptisms, weddings, funerals and the Christmas carol service.

The NAFD has confirmed that most of those choosing non-religious funerals were ‘hatch, match, dispatch’ Protestants. Lapsed Catholics remain more likely to uphold the ceremonial traditions of their forefathers, hedging their bets, so to speak. This is borne out by weekly Mass attendance figures among the genuinely faithful – for the first time in the UK, CofE and Catholic attendance is neck and neck, each attracting between 800,000 and 1m a week, even though the starting pool of Catholics is smaller than those claiming to be culturally CofE.

But just as there are people of half-baked religious faith, so there are ‘atheist-lites’ for whom the fond belief in some sort of afterlife prevents them from totally parting ways with religion-inspired ceremonial.

Funeral direction

The muddled masses are only likely to reach clarity on one side or the other by authoritative guidance. In a nutshell, they need to be evangelised by fundamentalists, not in the nutty Creationist or Islamofacist sense but in the sense of inspirational leaders persuading others of their creed, be it religious or godless.

This is where the problem lies for anyone trying to devise new rituals devoid of quasi-religious elements. In the case of civil funeral celebrants, it doesn’t matter if they settle for a client-driven compromise. Who really cares if high priest of atheism Richard Dawkins disapproves of them perpetuating religious rituals? After all, he’s a biologist, not a philosopher or social worker, and, even then, considered a sloppy intellect by most of his academic peers.

In the case of priests, their vows in the Sacrament of Holy Orders mean they must serve God and the faithful of His Church by obeying and teaching God’s laws, handed down by the Holy Bible and Apostolic Tradition – the Mass with its divine liturgy and rituals as the focal point.

It’s at this point that Catholics must briefly digress – yes, there are priests who attempt sacrilegious ministry, and, of course, a minority who have committed vile crimes in the eyes of secular law, as well as mortal sins against God. But the point I’m making is that the way forward for the Church is not the same as for secular ritualists: a priest who dons layman’s attire for a civil funeral should be defrocked; a civil celebrant’s a la carte service, complete with religious appetiser, offers choice.

As Gloriamundi makes clear in his/her recent blog, ‘What You Need to be a Celebrant’, such choice forms a compassionate collaboration between celebrant and the bereaved. By the same token, the Church is being compassionate and indeed true by being relatively inflexible, as touched on in my post, ‘Individuality in the Requiem Mass?’.

True atheists and theists are dogmatic, not pragmatic. They are not relativists as they believe in orthodoxies: that we are just physical beings, or that our mortal bodies are vessels for eternal souls, saved by the grace of God.

Some religions do indeed seem to be committing slow suicide, but there are also fresh buds, a growing hunger for reverence among many younger Christians. In a parallel world, generations are growing up not even as cultural Christians, meaning they’re less likely to behave as their grandparents would have done when confronted by death.

But this seems more social consequence than conscious movement: has the average person really embraced the belief that a world without religion would be a better place, even if they do prefer living in the moment and banishing thoughts of life after death?

Apathy has wounded religion but a creed that denies belief cannot equal it, certainly not communally. True atheist diehards (die-easies?) will never replace religion as you have to fill a void with something, not nothing.

‘Teach them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen’. (Matthew 28:20)

Trouble up at t’crem

Posted by Charles

When East Staffordshire Borough and South Derbyshire District Council sold Bretby crematorium to Midlands Co-op there were those who said no good would come of it. It’s been just a few weeks and the doomsayers are already feeling grimly vindicated. 

The Co-op has been refurbing the car park with this consequence to a mourner: 

“I was attending a funeral last Tuesday (August 23) and was standing outside the entrance to the crematorium at 10.30am with about a dozen other people and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“It was just disgraceful. The workers were shouting at each other over the machines and using foul language, right in front of the mourners with absolutely no thought for them. The people I was standing with were just as disgusted as me. 

“People are paying their last respects and saying their last goodbyes so they shouldn’t be expected to put up with this behaviour. It is disgraceful that mourners have to witness this.” 

Full story in the Burton Mail here.

The Last Outfit

Posted by Charles

These last outfits were chosen by some of the 23 people taking part in a photo project initiated by The Straits Times, the leading Singapore daily, in partnership with Lien Foundation, a Singapore philanthropic house. Entitled “The Last Outfit”, the project showcases individuals in the clothes they wish to wear for their own funeral.

The Last Outfit seeks to remove the taboo of death and enthuse people to view life and death differently. 

Full text here.

On the map?

Posted by Vale

Are you on the map?

On the 1st August a new information service for consumers was launched. It’s called ’Funeralmap’ and it aims to make it easier for someone to find out about funeral related businesses in a locality. You enter a postcode or the name of a town, select the type of business you are interested in and, bingo! the map shows you who’s listed and where they are located. Have a look for yourself here.

Funeralmap is designed for customers, but it doesn’t want to sell you anything directly. Instead it provides a location based directory with some additional information and helpful links. As a new source of customer information GFG is happy to applaud the initiative, but there are two tests to apply. Firstly, is it likely to be useful? Information is already widely available to someone with an Internet connection. Does Funeralmap add value? Will people using it be in a better position to make informed choices? Secondly, if you are a business associated with funerals, is it worth getting yourself listed?

Usefulness first. The site itself is professional and well presented. The map interface is clear and simple and, because it mirrors the sort of google maps search we all use, quite familiar. I found a few glitches in moving around the map, but, I guess, these are teething troubles (or my muddles).

A much bigger issue for me, though, was the poverty of the information available. It’s not just that the listings are so basic – the site is young yet and, if businesses pay for premium listings, more information will arrive. No, it’s more that there is so little opportunity for customer interaction. Funeralmap will not let you, as a customer, post local information, reviews, price or service comparisons or make personal comments. It’s a real weakness. It feels surprisingly old fashioned. It strongly suggests that – because the site is geared to present paid for advertisements – Funeralmap has been built as a businesses platform rather than consumer space. The result is that, as things stand, you can search on Funeralmap, but it’s not your forum and, while it will give you the information that businesses choose to present, it’s not necessarily going to help you make fully informed choices.

So, if you are a business, is it worth getting yourself listed? Well some businesses are there already. Basic information about funeral directors, burial grounds – including natural burial grounds – and crematoria are included for free. Other businesses have to pay for inclusion (and all businesses would need to pay for premium listings). The starting price is £75 a year for a standard listing*.

As a celebrant myself this is a real decision. Most of my business comes via funeral directors at the moment, but, maybe, if I advertised, it would let potential clients know that people like me exist and might prompt them to contact me directly. The evidence from celebrants with who have websites already is that people seem to like them, and, increasingly, expect them, but that they don’t yet drive much business.

People do like to know more about you and,  if you haven’t a website yet, a Funeralmap listing that allows for a photograph and some text may help a little. While thinking through my own options I checked out Seth Grodin’s blog. He’s an Internet marketing writer and I found an interesting piece there  called called Memo to the very small

Grodin suggests that for very little money, you can easily create a blog based website. The intelligent use of photographs, published comments from clients and customers and basic information about yourself can all help you make a strong local impact. Better than Funeralmap? Well, it’s early days yet – but I think it’s where I’ll start.

What will you do?

*original post corrected 18.00 9th September 2011

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