Carla

Here’s the news I’ve been dreading and, if you’ve been following Carla’s blog, you will have been, too. In her own words:

Carla Zilbersmith, born December 15, 1962, died today, May 17th, 2010. Carla Zilbersmith died in her  home this afternoon of Lou Gherig’s disease, also known as ALS.  Carla Zilbersmith was mother to Maclen Zilber, her only son…that she knows of.  She was also daughter to Jack and Velma, sister to Jason and Stephen.  Friend to an amazing group of caring, creative and competent friends, and lover to several very lucky and largely undeserving men.  Although ALS is a fatal and incurable illness,  Carla never gave up hope that one day her death would be surrounded by a cloud of controversy and speculation.  Her final words, spoken through a clenched jaw were “oil can.”  The memorial is tentatively planned for the afternoon of, Saturday, June 5th. Details will be emailed as soon as they are determined.  It is guaranteed to be the funniest funeral that you have ever attended  or your flowers back. Costumes encouraged but optional.

A wonderful and terrific person. A very sad day.

My thanks to Pam Vetter for letting me know.

Greening grief

The GFG motored purposefully south yesterday afternoon to Chiltern Woodland Burial Park. It was a three-birds-with-one-stone mission: to have a look at this well-heeled natural burial ground; to hear the great Dr Bill Webster talk about grief; and to meet up with Louise from Sentiment and Jon from MuchLoved, two of Funeralworld’s Good Guys.

I think I’ve reached a stage now where I don’t know what I think about natural burial. On the one hand, there is the seductive loveliness of the best burial grounds; on the other, the seeming forgottenness of those whose gravesites have resolved themselves into indistinguishability. We are all forgotten eventually, of course, and our graves unvisited for some time before that. What would make the best sense of the environmental mission of Chiltern would be a re-use of graves policy—impossible under present legislation. In the meantime, I wonder if they’re burying enough people to recoup investment. The buildings are either very beautiful if you like that sort of thing, or unobjectionable if you don’t. There’s a gathering hall and a ceremony hall with lots of glass and a lectern a little like an elaborate bird table. The design of the site conforms to an elaborate conception of the architect that your experience should mirror “the inner journey that we humans where to order cialis online make as we honour and release the body of a loved one to the grave”.  This is not necessarily apparent, of course, but, in addition to money, a lot of thought has gone into this place.

Outside the hall I was greeted hospitably by Dr Bill, whom I had not met before, and invited to join his group of tea drinkers. Dr Bill is sharp, funny and humane. He talks a lot of sense, and in a way which people can relate to. I was a fan in around 1 second, possibly less.

A great deal of what he said about grief counselling related to funerals. Here’re just some of the things he said that I jotted down: “You have to make the words with which to put someone to rest—that which cannot be put into words cannot be put to rest … Put the dying and the death into the context of the whole life lived … Empowerment is the antidote for loss of control. Never do anything for those who grieve which they can do for themselves.”

There’s a big lesson here for funeral directors and celebrants, I think: “Never do anything for those who grieve which they can do for themselves.”

Do have a look at Dr Bill’s website. It’s full of excellent resources. Click here.

The Good Funeral Guide
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