The Good Funeral Guide

“I get up, drink my usual four coffees, have a look at the obituaries in The Times, and if I’m not in them, I’ll get on with the day’s work.”

Patrick Moore at 88

There’s a very good interview with Dr Hannah Rumble, death scholar and author of the shortly-to-be-published Natural Burial, co-authored with Prof Douglas Davies, over on the Seven Ponds blog. We were struck by some of her insights. These included: 

*   “What distinguishes Britain from America in the main is in the title: ‘natural’. In the UK this tends to be imagined and realized alongside landscapes that encompass the pastoral, such as farmers’ set-aside that turns to meadow, or woodlands. But in the US, I get the impression that the natural landscape incorpated into natural burial provision can encompass more of the ‘wilderness’.”

*   “‘Tradition’ is an interesting subtle difference too. In America, natural burial is aligned with the ‘traditions’ of the  American settlers in the popular imagination. In the UK, our cultural imagination tends to align natural burial with pre-Christian ‘tradition’ and practices.”

*   “When I speak of ‘aesthetic values’ in the UK and ‘romantic values’ I am referring quite a bit to the notion of the pastoral idyll that has a long history in British landscape art and Romanticism.”

*   “The sometimes cruel, sometimes sublime cycles of the seasons here in the UK provided a motif for people’s cycles of mourning and understanding of life and death. ‘Nature’, whatever that ultimately means, is a powerful cathartic tool for the people I spoke to.”

*   “I think there’s similarities in the idea of ‘utility’ of the self that prompts people to donate themselves to medical science or choose natural burial — a recycling, reusing of the body for the greater good … natural burial enables the bereaved and dying to symbolically and literally reproduce the hitherto rotting corpse into an animate, fecund ‘gift’ to ‘nature’ and society’s future generations, which ultimately challenges the  place of the dead amongst the living. The dead become ‘useful’ again rather than a problem to be solved by cemetery management.”

Read the full interview here.

Order the book here. 

We’ve talked quite a lot recently about remembrancing and ways we can do that, either through restoration of lost customs, plagiarising others’ customs, or innovation. As we discussed ways of commemorating our antecedents, Jonathan urged us to mind, also, our descendants. 

Today we reproduce in their entirety, because they’re so interesting, the reflections of a Korean woman, Kim Ji-myung, on the ancestral rituals she was brought up to observe. It’s quite long, but you’ll take this at a happy canter. 

During Korea’s Joseon Kingdom (1392-1910), women of decent families would spend most of their adult lives in the service of others ― entertaining guests and overseeing ancestral rituals called “jesa.” These two vocations were a housewife’s most visible roles, on top of cooking and caring for one’s husband and children. 

Even in modern Korea, these expectations stubbornly persist. This is especially true for us wives of first-born sons. To be honest, I’ve always felt some resentment for spending so many hours in late December and early January preparing for the New Year ancestral rituals. After all, the end of one year and the beginning of the next is a special time. Nevertheless, family tradition holds and I’ve long tempered my personal misgivings.

While the specific rituals depend on family tradition, most Koreans observe the same Confucian fundamentals. I think my reluctance is grounded in the fact that I don’t believe the old lore that on special holidays the spirits of our deceased ancestors descend to Earth to taste real food and wine.

Let’s face it, there’s something peculiar about leaving a room and observing a moment of silence so the deceased can eat in peace. Oh, and don’t forget to leave the house gate ajar so the spirits can enter! Taken literally, it’s almost funny to imagine the Korean Peninsula on the New Year and Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving) holidays, where the starving spirits from other cultures may crowd the skies to find some food.

Despite my heavy dose of skepticism, I’ve always played my role as a respectful daughter-in-law. After all, traditions aren’t meant to be explained or to be agreed upon. As I’ve been told, subsequent generations should simply follow what’s been handed down. Of course, this is made more difficult in an era of boundless information and interconnectivity. Today, the entire globe is watching and learning from each other thanks to the Internet.

“The cultures that you think are the most stiff and buttoned-up, like Japan, China and Korea, are the cultures that openly sob,” said Lisa Takeuchi Cullen, the author of “Remember Me: A Lively Tour of the New American Way of Death.” In her book, Cullen describes a scene at her Japanese grandfather’s funeral. As they prepare to close the casket, all of her extended relatives surround it and begin to wail.

Reading her account, I was reminded of a similar scene during the recent funeral of the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il. Watching those people cry, shout and wail so wildly, I wondered about their emotional or rational reasons for doing so.

When my grandmother passed away in a village in the 1970s, I witnessed what was probably the last generation to observe the full traditional funeral rites of a prominent local family. Over several days, as guests arrived from distances near and far, every aspect of the elaborate ceremony was meticulously overseen by professionals ― white mourning garment makers, wailers, caterers, receptionists, ritual conductors and, of course, the coroners. 

I still recall the sad melody of the dirge sung by the master of the pallbearers who led the bier from the village up a hill to the burial site. Hundreds of family members in white, friends and guests followed him. Along the way, the procession stopped at several points to conduct brief roadway rituals, where a table of food was offered to commemorate places of significance for the deceased.

As a young child, I was overwhelmed by the sad and grave spectacle. I was also shocked when my uncle, as master of ceremonies, coolly ordered everyone at one very emotional moment to cease crying. Who was this dispassionate outsider? Was the entire ceremony just a show?

Although elaborate funerary ceremonies of this scale are seldom practiced anymore in Korea, many conservative families faithfully observe ancestral rituals on important holidays and dates marking the deaths of family members. Indeed, many Koreans consider such activities to be their most important and meaningful duty as human beings.

That said times are certainly changing. I remember reading a funny news story about families who pay their respects at a ski resort condominium. This way, they could enjoy the New Year holiday while fulfilling their family duty. Conveniently, all of the traditional ceremonial foods were readily available at the resort supermarket. Stories like this make me wonder if in the future, observing ancient rites will be completely turned over to for-hire ritualists.

Given all this, perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised when my son, at age nine, declared that he will not prepare food for his dead ancestors after his father and I die. He offered no explanation, and we dared not criticize him for it. After all, he was merely saying aloud what we have long felt.

Indeed, I suspect that our jesa family protocol will change even in my lifetime. Once my 96-year-old mother-in-law no longer oversees the ceremonies, I plan to make some changes. While the tradition will survive, I hope it does so in a more reasonable form. Once ultimate responsibility for this tradition falls fully to me, I’ll use the occasions as opportunities for valuable off-line family gatherings in this age of relentless online communication. 

After all, in addition to honoring our ancestors, bringing one’s living family members together is also part of jesa.

Source.

When will I see you again?
When will we share precious moments?
Will I have to wait forever?
Or will I have to suffer and cry the whole night through?

When will I see you again?
When will our hearts beat together?
Are we in love or just friends?
Is this my beginning or is this the end?
When will I see you again?
(When will I see you again?)
When will I see you again?

Are we in love or just friends?
Is this my beginning or is this the end?
When will I see you again?
(When will I see you again?)
When will I see you again?
(When will I see you again?)
When will I see you again?
(When will I see you again?)
When will I see you again?

“He’s so unpopular, if he became a funeral director people would stop dying.”

The late Tony Banks of John Major. An old quote, but one well capable of being dusted off. 

We sometimes have good ideas here at the GFG, but we rarely make them happen. In life there are starters and there are finishers. We have little of the latter about us. 

One of our better ideas was a model Viking longship for launching ashes in. We urged this on our good friend Richard Martin over at Scattering Ashes. 

He’s done it. Ain’t it lovely? Too nice to burn?

As we said when we thought of it:

The flames rise (vertically) to the heavens as the wind fills the longboat’s sails and it journeys (horizontally) to the horizon in a way which mirrors the words of the Christian prayer: “But as thou didst not lose them in the giving, so we do not lose them by their return. For not as the world giveth, givest thou, O Lord of souls: that which thou givest thou takest away: for life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only the horizon, and the horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.”

There is compelling emotional and spiritual appeal in this imagery, of journeying, transition, transfiguration and consummation (deliberate pun). The spirit rises as the craft moves over the face of the waters; that which is earthly is subsumed by the sea. All the elements are present: earth, air, fire, water. And there is an inexorable dynamic.

Find Richard’s ideasy, info-packed website here. 

Guardian commenter nomisd writes: “Mrs nomisd wants the drums from the Eastenders theme music as the curtains close…” [Source]

Here’s an interesting article from the Milton Keynes Citizen which describes a Trading Standards department that sets the pace for some of the rest:

Milton Keynes Council Trading Standards has recently undertaken a project looking at the funeral directors industry to determine if businesses are compliant with consumer protection legislation. 

The trade within Milton Keynes consists of five single branch independents, three independents with more than one place of business and one larger company, in addition to the Muslim funeral service that is arranged through the local Mosque.

Of these 40 per cent belong to one or both of the funeral trade associations, either the National Association of Funeral Directors (NAFD), or the National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF).

In relation to disclosing business names 50 per cent were compliant with the legislation. Those that were not compliant failed to display either the registered name in relation to a limited company, or its business name and address in relation to an individual or partnership.

In one instance, where the registered name was not displayed it would have indicated that the business was actually owned by a large company with 30 branches under different business names across the South of England, rather than the perception given of it being an independent funeral director.

The use of small business names by the larger companies suggests that they are implying they are independent funeral directors when in fact they are not.

When questioned one larger company stated that the independent name had been kept as a business name due to the high regard in which the original company had been held locally.

In relation to pricing, 90 per cent of the funeral directors were compliant with the legislation where applicable.

Those funeral directors belonging to one or both of the trade associations’ offer, in line with the associations codes of practice, a ‘simple’ or ‘basic’ funeral service. Included in the price of this service is the cost of the coffin and no coffin options are available.

However, where a more bespoke service is offered with multiple coffin options then a price list was available.

Only one company did not have a price list for the coffin options.

Advice was given in relation to the descriptions of coffins to one company because in the descriptions of the two lower end price options, the cheapest coffin was described as being constructed from paper and the next, and more expensive as ‘wood veneer’, yet both were made of the same construction, merely a different patterned covering.

Two companies described ‘embalming’ as ‘hygienic treatment’ which they stated was an industry standard description. However, although this term was known by the other businesses in Milton Keynes only two businesses used this type of description for embalming. One company stated that although this description is used on their paperwork it is verbally made clear what this treatment is, and neither one offered or carried out the treatment on a regular basis.

One company however, have their own embalmer who carries out over 400 embalmings per year across two geographical areas, including Milton Keynes.

None of the other funeral directors carried out more than 1 or 2 embalmings per year.

In relation to advising customers of their right to cancel the contract, if the contract was signed in the home, only 30% were compliant with the legislation.

All of the businesses who were non-compliant undertook to make changes to become compliant with the relevant legislation and two have successfully applied to become trading standards approved on the Council’s Buy with Confidence scheme.

Karen Ford, head of trading standards in Milton Keynes states: “It is concerning that so many non-compliances were detected but I am reassured things will be put right.

“What is more concerning is the rate of embalmings, which are not always a necessary treatment. My advice to consumers, during one of the most difficult periods in their life, is to ensure they are still getting a fair deal by getting a full breakdown of costs and not to be pressured into paying for something that is not necessary.”

Karen Ford also said: “We are delighted that HW Mason & Sons and Finch & Sons have been accepted onto the Buy With Confidence scheme. Our consumers can now make their choice knowing that at least two local businesses will comply with trading laws and treat their customers fairly.”

We wondered if we detected the hand of Teresa Evans in this. We asked her. No, not directly, she says. But we suppose that Teresa has somewhat raised awareness of consumer protection in the matter of funerals in what is now her home town. She says: “I have written to the Chief Executive of the Trading Standards Institute on a number of occasions calling for a campaign to raise funeral consumer awareness. I didn’t even receive an acknowledgement, so I was quite surprised to learn about this recent project.”

When Teresa writes to you, you know you’ve been written to, whether you reply or not. And she’s not letting it rest there, oh no, not Teresa. She is now in the process of firing off a Freedom of Information request to Trading Standards demanding the names of those firms of undertakers who were inspected and found wanting. 

Find Teresa Evans’ website here. 

Full text of the article in the Milton Keynes Citizen here. 

Simon Ferrar will be opening his first natural burial ground, Clandon Wood, in May this year — after months of painstaking research.  He writes here about the lessons he has learned from loss. 

I was moved to write the following, firstly as a response to a blog post but more importantly, while thinking of a friend who was killed, very recently in an accident.

His family situation was very similar to mine, a wife, adult children, siblings and a close family unit.

He did not know that he would not return home again that day.

Was he prepared or his family prepared for when he didn’t?  I don’t know for sure but, looking at my situation and that of most of us, the answer is probably a most definite “No.”

It has caused me to reflect on the first real tragedy of my life in 1999 when my mum was diagnosed with what turned out to be an exceedingly aggressive cancer in her lungs.  She declined treatment so that she could enjoy as natural quality of life as the disease would allow.

I was with her at her diagnosis and I was with her when she died.

The time in between was filled with anger, rage, sadness and tears.

And laughter.

We talked and talked, not just about her imminent death and all of the ensuing practicalities when it did finally happen, but about things we had never talked about before.

We spoke of her childhood and mine. We talked about my dad, who died when I was nine and who I never really knew. And we talked about grown-up stuff and how mistakes and misjudgements on both our parts had impacted on each of us through the years. And then we forgave each other.

Nothing bad had ever happened between me and mum, just emotional misunderstandings that were never conciously realised or aired at the right time.

But nevertheless, we forgave each other.

Purposely and out loud.

And there was nothing left in that room apart from pure love and contentment.

And so to the point of this reflection.

Why does it need such acute pain to say the things we need to say?

My mum and I had the ‘luxury’ of three months to say everything that needed to be said and come to an understanding of each other.

I was with her as she gasped her last breath and I closed her eyes after. 

Thirteen years on, I sill bathe in the beauty of that peace between us in those last weeks. 

So, a generation on and nothing changes. The usual daily strife in my own family generally goes unresolved as we all go about our busy lives.

And I have forgone the profound lesson that I learned with my own mum.

I need to tell each member of my family what they mean to me because one day, probably when we least expect it, one of us won’t come home.

That beauty and peace should be part of us every day; or do we really have to go through the pain of losing someone before we experience that exquisite awareness? 

I know the answer; I just need to do something about it. 

Thank you Gerry, you were a gentleman in life and because of your death, you have made these thoughts real.

This post was first published here. 

Find Clandon Wood here.

“The only time I have turned any request for a song down was the occasion I was asked to take a funeral for an elderly gentleman and they want to play “Relax” as he was brought in. I reckon I am about as liberal they come on some issues but even I could not maintain my dignity walking down the nave to such interesting lyrics.”

Clerical Guardian commenter Stiffkey here.