The Good Funeral Guide Blog

Something for the weekend

Friday, 6 January 2012

We’ve had a request for what follows, and we don’t turn down requests here at the GFG, not on any grounds. If you’ve heard this one before, rejoice for all those who haven’t. 

 

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed…

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the bannister with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his beloved wife.

“Fuck off!!” she said, “they’re for the funeral!!”

 

 

 

 

2 comments on “Something for the weekend

  1. Saturday 7th January 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Love both of these! Badass humour is such a relief.

  2. RICHARD NEWMAN

    Friday 6th January 2012 at 11:01 pm

    A coffin arrived at the crematorium with a most beautiful hand-made wreath adorning a splendid oak coffin and a brass plaque depicting an anchor. It was the funeral of a much loved fisherman. All the mourners commented upon the display of red and white carnations set in the shape of a ‘lifesaver’.

    Drowned at sea in an unpredictable storm the grieving widow knew that this is what he would have wanted!

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