Marking The Spot – Memorials
A memorial is physical evidence that someone once had a physical existence here on Earth. It proclaims that fact enduringly. The more eyecatching the memorial, the more loudly and publicly it proclaims it. It keeps that person in mind, perpetuates their memory. It remains an enduring point of contact with them, a place where you can go and talk to them. A memorial can be a bunch of flowers, a headstone, an obelisk, a shrine, a tree, a cairn. It can be anything, just so long as it is something.
You are not confined to just one memorial, either. You can, both, mark the spot and also keep the memory alive at another location or in other ways, privately or publicly. So a memorial can also be a folly, a charitable trust, a web page, a campaign, a horse-race, a half-marathon or a drop-in centre.
It is a matter for your individuality and wallet.
Can you put up a memorial which doesn’t mark the spot?
If you feel a strong need to erect a memorial, even if it cannot not mark the exact spot, you can of course do that and perhaps derive great solace from it. One or other of the following options may, you feel, be more satisfying than erecting a headstone at the grave.
A garden memorial
Create a memorial in your garden. Your options are boundless. You can commission a piece of sculpture and have it inscribed. You can dig a special flower bed or vegetable plot. You can plant a tree, make a shrine, instal a bench, create a herb garden, build a cairn.
The great thing about a memorial in the garden is that it is physically close.
An online memorial
You can create a memorial in cyberspace. It is the greenest memorial available.
Choosing a dependable host site for your website is fraught with difficulty. First, many such sites have already foundered with all memories on board, so you’ll need to find a host site which isn’t going to go broke or stop upgrading. Second, a good many web developers have identified online memorial hosting as a moneyspinner, so there’s a danger of being exploited. Thirdly, a memorial site is potentially fertile ground for identity thieves, especially those sites which let anyone wander into anyone’s memorial. You need to be sure that any site you like the look of has robust authentication and privacy controls, and is effectively monitored.
Three factors determine the quality of an online memorial site:
- ethics – including privacy safeguards
- functionality – how does it drive? How fast does it go? Is it well-equipped? Does it look good?
- a firm financial foundation.
Type ‘online memorial’ into your search engine to find out what’s out there.
There are two market leaders, GoneTooSoon and MuchLoved. Of the two, GoneTooSoon has an ethically questionable track record and has failed to respond to probing questions put to it by this guide.
Accordingly, we only recommend one memorial site, and we do so without reservation. It fulfils all the criteria.
- MuchLoved: www.muchloved.com. It is a registered charity, it is free and it is a signatory of the Online Memorial Code of Ethics: thememorialcode.org. In terms of functionality it outstrips its competitors.
Conventional ways of marking the spot
The conventional memorial is a headstone for a grave or, in the case of ashes buried or scattered in a cemetery, a tablet or plaque, a rosebush or a bench, whether marking the spot or situated nearby.
An off-the-peg headstone
Very few headstones are made from indigenous stone. Imported stone is, amazingly, cheaper to quarry and transport. Chinese granite is the favourite, in black, grey, blue or red. Next is marble. In any cemetery, headstones in these materials are the overwhelming favourites. Some people don’t think they fit in; others think they are very nice. What’s more they do not weather and granite is very easily wiped clean. Marble turns black.
If you want something a little out of the ordinary, or an inscription which might shock, you should check first with cemetery management. Church-owned burial grounds will be much, much harder to satisfy in matters of choice and shape of stone, and inscription.
Your monumental mason will advise you about all your options, as well as all the rules and regs. Find a more or less competent monumental mason here:
- The National Association of Memorial Masons – namm.org.uk. Ring: 01788 542264.
A bespoke headstone
If you would like a bespoke headstone there are stone carvers and lettercutters who will make you one and do exactly as you ask. Such a headstone will be much more expensive and a thousand times more beautiful and personal. Average cost: £3,000. Sky’s the limit, of course.
Grave tendersIf, for whatever reason, you are going to find it difficult to tend a grave or memorial, there is a growing army of grave tenders out there who will do it for you, and send you a photo to prove they did.
- Type ‘grave-tending’ into your search engine.
A very much fuller and more detailed guide to memorials appears in the Good Funeral Guide, published on 20 May 2010. Order your copy here.
The Good Funeral blog has discussed memorials here:
Deserts of eternity – online memorial sites.
Marking the spot – why do we do it?
Bad taste is better than no taste at all – the questionable question of taste in memorials.
Gnome sweet gnome – more about taste.
Everything is only for a day – how long should a memorial last?
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