The Good Funeral Guide

If you can’t read this, try clicking the picture. You can find Archa’s website here.

Posted by Vale

Euphemisms are all about not facing up to reality. We like to think we use them for good reasons, but they have a darker side too. This poem, written by Harold Pinter in 1997, uses one of the words we often shy from, yet it too is a euphemism. It was written in the year that his own father died and I think that, writing about death in this way, he was describing something of his own experience of the way that deaths are managed and, in the midst of the form filling, the way that language can help us hide from what has happened and what we have both done and not done.

Because it is Pinter, of course, I think he was also making a point about the way that being ’official’, can lead to the denial of both feelings and humanity at many different levels. Of course the poem is an extreme version of unfeeling officiousness but does it remind you at all of the way that some funeral businesses handle their first contact with families?

Death (Births and Deaths Registration Act 1953)

Where was the dead body found? Who found the dead body?
Was the dead body dead when found?
How was the dead body found?

Who was the dead body?

Who was the father or daughter or brother
Or uncle or sister or mother or son
Of the dead and abandoned body?

Was the body dead when abandoned?
Was the body abandoned?
By whom had it been abandoned?

Was the dead body naked or dressed for a journey?

What made you declare the dead body dead? Did you declare the dead body dead?
How well did you know the dead body?
How did you know the dead body was dead?

Did you wash the dead body Did you close both its eyes Did you bury the body
Did you leave it abandoned
Did you kiss the dead body

The photograph at the head of the post was taken  by Bob Van Zahn of an installation by the artist George M Tokaya. The poem was silkscreen printed on 7 hospital bedsheets and 7 forensic dissection tables surrounded by the smell of lysol.

Posted by T Roll

ok right so who are you realy mr charles cowling you claim to be some witer than wite hollier than thou consumer advocate well weres your conflic of intrest uh ill tell you and all youre readers YOU ARE A SECCRET UNDERTAKER YOU ARE A WITED SEPULHCRE YOU ARE A FRAUD!!!! considder yourselve hacked HA HA HA

Posted by Jose Antonio Estevez Garcia

When my best friend died at the age of 38 it was a drama – not only his unexpected loss but also his funeral which, far from helping us to face that moment, only added more pain to those grievous days.

The reason is quite simple: when Angel died his parents were in shock and the funeral was designed following what tradition dictates. This resulted in an event that betrayed his memory and created terrible memories that are difficult to forget – for example, memories of the viewing.

Viewing is a mandatory element in Spanish funerals and it is aimed to allow people to “physically” farewell the one who passed away. When I was told that my friend had died I thought nothing could be so painful until I saw him in the coffin with a broken gesture in his face. Until that moment I only had memories of him smiling and sharing all the goodness he brought to my life. Seeing his dead body in a coffin only opened a new wound. Many people who attended the funeral shared a similar feeling. In my opinion, tradition should only rule our lives if it helps us in any way, otherwise it may be time for a change.

I quit my job in Spain to come to the UK to explore my most creative side, so I started a master’s called “Applied Imagination” at Saint Martins College (one of the most prestigious centers of Art and Design in the world).

Within the master I am developing a research project where I am analyzing ways in which traditional industries to evolve in response to demand for personalized innovative services by customers. To develop this idea I am researching into how creative methodologies such as “Design Thinking” and “Lateral Thinking” can challenge conservative industries with innovative business models co-created by the customers of the previously mentioned personalized services. In summary, it is a bespoke innovation driven by customer demand in traditional industries as a way to disrupt their current business model.

To develop and test my findings I have chosen the funeral industry which, because of strong tradition, is quite reluctant to change. The funeral of my beloved friend made me think that a change in this sector could help other people. The approach proposed in this application case of my project is not against tradition; but in favor of opening our minds to personalized funerals in which traditional and/or innovative elements may help relatives and friends feeling as better as possible, given the circumstances.

In my opinion, the key to reconcile opposed views about the arrangements among those who will attend a funeral is that the deceased makes a decision about it before dying. Exactly like what people do when they choose whether they prefer burial or cremation, but getting into all the other details, like in a wedding (a funeral is not less important as to not give them a thought, specially if you care about the ones who will live your farewell).

To test my proposal I have prepared the video of my funeral, whose aim is to avoid mourning my death but to celebrate my life, what I call a “happy funeral” i.e. a funeral in which all the elements are thought to avoid creating sad memories and aim to generate a positive state of mind. The video is posted above  and has been watched to date by 1130 people.

In addition to the video initiative, I have interviewed different stakeholders and gatekeepers and gathered amazing experiences shared by the people who have answered the survey published with the video. I am also researching into funerals in different countries, cultures and religions, trying to determine which elements can help change the state of mind in a funeral from a sad one into a positive one as, in my understanding, this will play an essential supporting part in the required process of accepting and fighting to overcome the pain of the loss of a loved one.

I have had the chance to talk with the sister of a 26 year-old guy who died in Spain last August. It seems that, some weeks before passing away, they had occasional conversations about death where he said he wanted a party if he died.

Unfortunately this happened and his family decided to respect his last will. The death notice they published in the local newspaper was later diffused at national level because it was the first time in Spain a funeral had been announced as if it was a party. And it was a party. A special one where there were moments for tears, but also moments to sing and dance and smile, reminding everyone of the most outstanding feature of this guy: his happiness.

She explained to me that when you have to face the death of a loved one the primary feeling you have is suffering, in her words, a selfish feeling because you only care about your pain without taking care of how that pain will have a negative effect in all the others attending the funeral (aren’t tears as contagious as laughter?). Overcoming the pain and making an effort to be happy to celebrate all the love and the good moments her brother had given to them was seen by her as a generous feeling because it demonstrated care for how others would live that moment. She had lost her brother one month previously, but she talked about him and his funeral in a positive and peaceful way.

When I told her about the funeral of my best friend I realized I still struggle to overcome certain memories that seem like open wounds in my mind. In our conversation it seemed that the “happy funeral” of her brother had helped her more than the traditional one I experienced when I lost my best friend. Apparently it also helped the family and friends of this guy. Even those who had a traditional opinion about the arrangements accepted Aitor’s last will, understanding that it was faithful to his personality and thus a respectful way to honor him.

Along with my video I have published a survey, anonymously answered so far by 220 people. Between 80% and 90% of them have said they would like a happy funeral; but most of them mentioned that they had never thought of the possibility of arranging a funeral in an alternative way. It seems that when people are given options, they open their minds to personalized solutions that may take elements from tradition but which also incorporate issues related to their own life.

And here is where the industry can make a difference, since less than half of the people stated in the survey that the funerals they had been to had helped them feel better. In several cases they state the opposite.

Isn’t this a motive for the professional sector to question whether traditional funerals effectively serve a positive purpose?

By the shore’s of old Lake Michigan
Where the “hawk wind” blows so cold
An old Cub fan lay dying
In his midnight hour that tolled
‘Round his bed, his friends had all gathered
They knew his time was short
And on his head the put this bright blue cap
From his all-time favorite sport
He told them “its late and its getting dark in here”
And I know its time to go
But before I leave the line-up
There’s just one thing I’d like to know
(Chorus, sung)
Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the national league
(talking blues)
Told his friends “You know the law of averages says:
Anything will happen that can.”
That’s what it says.
“But the year the Cubs last won a national league pennant
Was the year we dropped the bomb on Japan”
The Cubs made me a criminal
Sent me down a wayward path
They stole my youth from me
(that’s the truth)
I’d forsake my teacher’s
To go sit in the bleachers
In flagrant truancy
and then one thing led to another
soon I’d discovered alcohol, gambling, dope
football, hockey, lacross, tennis
But what do you expect,
When you raise up a young boys hope
And then just crush ‘em like so many paper beer cups.
Year after year after year
after year, after year, after year, after year, after year
‘Til those hopes are just so much popcorn
for pigeons beneath the “EL” track to eat
He said “You know I’ll never see Wrigley Field, anymore
before my eternal rest
So if you have your pencils and your score cards ready,
and I’ll read you my last request
Give me a double header funeral in Wrigley Field
On some sunny weekend day (no lights)
Have the organ play the National Anthem
and then a little “na, na, na, hey hey, hey, Goodbye”
Make six bull pen pitchers, carry my coffin
and six ground keepers clear my path
Have the umpires bark me out at every base
In all their holy wrath
Its a beautiful day for a funeral, Hey Ernie lets play two!
Somebody go get Jack Brickhouse to come back,
and conduct just one more interview
Have the Cubbies run right out into the middle of the field,
Have Kieth Moreland drop a routine fly
Give everybody two bags of peanuts and a frosty malt
And I’ll be ready to die
Build a big fire on home plate out of your ‘Louisville Sluggers’ baseball bats,
And toss my coffin in
Let my ashes blow in the beautiful snow
From the prevailing 30 mile an hour south west wind
When my last remaind go flying over the left field wall
Will bid the bleacher bums adieu
I will come to my final resting place, out on Waveland Avenue
The dying man’s friends told him to cut it out
They said stop it that’s an awful shame
He whispered, “Don’t Cry, we’ll meet by and by near the Heavenly Hall of Fame
He said I’ve got season’s tickets to watch the Angels now,
So its just what I’m going to do
He said but you the living, you’re stuck here with the Cubs,
So its me that feels sorry for you!
And he said “Ahh Play, play that lonesome losers tune,
The one I like the best
And he closed his eyes, and slipped away
What we got is the Dying Cub fan’s last request
(Chorus, big finish, sung)
Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the national league

Steve Goodman died of leukemia at age 36. But before he passed away he penned The Best Song in the World Today, “A Dying Cub Fan’s Last Request.”

Hat-tip to the Funeral Consumers Information Society of Detroit

Following last week’s great debate between the GFG religious correspondent, various unbelievers and a handful of don’t-knows [here] it was gripping this morning to sip tea in bed and listen to John Gray arguing that ‘we’d all be better off if we stopped believing in belief’.  

The ten-minute talk can be heard once more on Listen Again. Better still for those who prefer their words served written, a public-spirited blogging ex-librarian in Michigan has transcribed it. Frank White, thank you. 

Gray really is worth listening to. Gloria mundi recommends him, too. He concludes: 

We’d all be better off if we stopped believing in belief. Not everyone needs a religion, but if you do you shouldn’t be bothered about finding arguments for joining or practising one. Just go into the church, synagogue, mosque or temple and take it from there. What we believe doesn’t in the end matter very much. What matters is how we live.

Now go to Frank’s website for the foregoing. Here. 

In her latest blog post, Sue Brayne, author of the D-Word: Talking About Dying, describes a recent meeting of the Churches’ Fellowship for Psychical and Spiritual Studies.  Sue worked with Dr Peter Fenwick in researching into end-of-life experiences (ELEs). Here’s a taster:

Our end-of-life experience study included over 800 extraordinary accounts from relatives, nurses, doctors and carers who had witnessed the dying seeing apparitions of much-loved dead relatives or children appearing to them in the last few weeks, days, hours, sometimes minutes of life. The apparitions seemed to soothe the dying person and help them to let go. Some of the dying said they believed these apparitions had come to ‘take them away’, or to help them to ‘pass over.’

Many relatives who reported these stories felt greatly comforted in the knowledge that the dying person wasn’t alone, and they were being helped to die. This in turn, eased their grieving process.

Read Sue’s entire blog post here. Highly recommended. 

Don’t be afraid, it’s only love (x4)

Love is simple (x3)

Don’t be afraid, you’re already dead (x4)

Love is simple. (x4) 

Thanks to  Rupert Callender for this recommendation

Posted by Charles

I must have been asleep when this story broke. Perhaps I was on holiday. Whatever. In case you missed it, slap your thighs and make merry.

Recipe book next? 

Hat-tip to Kingfisher. Full story here. 

Posted by Charles

Yesterday (15 September) Hilary Benn asked this question in the House:

May we have a statement on reports that the Government propose to ask bereaved relatives, including those on low incomes, for payment when they go to register the death of a loved one? The charge, estimates of which vary from £100 to £180, is apparently intended to pay for a new system to check on causes of death, but the cost, which is no longer to be hidden in funeral directors’ charges, will be collected when families turn up, often in a distressed state, at the register office, or they will be sent an invoice later. Given that the Conservative party made such a fuss at the last election about a so-called death tax, will a Minister explain at the Dispatch Box why they now plan to impose one?

Does anyone know anything about this? 

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